Silence of Straw

Somehow I would like to reduce my social radius to minimum, the smallest reasonable that is possible. Looking back in time when I was in my University years I was actively involved in many organizations, mostly related to Catholicism. In my campus and my local church. I was convinced that it was my calling to contribute to Catholic communities where ever I was. 

When I moved to another city due to job, my wife (who shares the same passion) and I were active in our church. When maintained the same passion even when we moved to other countries. However after my 55th birthday last year I see things differently. I want to lead a simple quiet life. I am sure the Catholic church would still be there, just like it has always been whether I am involved or not. Suddenly I see those activism as meaningless noise. 

Looking to the rearview mirror I could see that there was nothing I changed in the church. No one pray more because of me. No one have deeper faith, no one converted to Catholicism. Nothing. I was only noise. And no more

I remember I inherit this passion from my Mom. My Mom and My Dad were very active in church (my Dad was converted later from Protestantism). They both had passed away many years ago (My Mom 2014, Dad 2001). I doubt that I lost this passion because of the passing of my parents. 

I do not think I could explain this change of heart. Of anything the experience of St Thomas Aquinas when we famously said mihi videtur ut palea. All that I have written seems like straw compared to what has now been revealed to me

I am no Aquinas, but I see all my activism like straw